POSITIVELY!!!
Yep, it's true, folks... We are super excited to be brewin' a baby! I would have liked to wait a little longer before announcing the good news, but between
a) my big mouth
b) erin's big mouth, and
c) the East Falmouth Portuguese Connection...
that wasn't really gonna happen ;)
I'm excited and still in a little bit of shock all at the same time... we were "TTC" (trying to conceive) as all the message board heroes would put it, but I didn't really think it was gonna be our month. Surprise, surprise!
As you could clearly tell by the video in my last post, Bobio is hugely excited. He's nervous about holding a tiny newborn, but I can't put into words what a wonderful dad I believe he will be. He has really stepped up to the plate with Griffin over these last 6 years, and I couldn't ask for anythng more. He is already spoiling me rotten, which I kind-of advised him against... he doesn't want me to get too used to the special treatment!
... and speaking of Griffin.... boy is this not-so-little man gonna be in for it this summer! Not only is he going to be a big brother to our new baby, but his dad and step-mom are also expecting.... no joke! From Griff's reports, baby Robbins is due to arrive in May, and baby "Ollie" is guesstimated to arrive at our home in early July... woah nelly! I told my mom to prepare a room for Griff this summer, because he isn't going to want to be around any of us... and I'm only partly joking when I say that ;)
There is so much to be excited about... including the fact that my best-friend-since-kindergarten, Tania, is also expecting!!! Her first doctor's appointment is on the 21st, and mine is the 28th, so we'll soon see how close the due dates are... and no, we didn't plan the pregnancies to be this close. I couldn't imagine it being any more perfect, though... having the understanding and sympathetic Miss Tania to laugh with and cry with and be uncomfortable with is so wonderful. We joke that since we only live a few streets away from each other that the neighborhood is going to turn into a giant hormone-fiesta, with our husbands stocking up on the margaritas while we eat the spicy foods then complain about the indegestion later ;) (this is a layout I finished this weekend... a polaroid taken at our FHS 10 year reunion... the night she told me she was pregnant... and me not knowing that I was *barely* preggers myself!!)
Seriously, though... I have deep emotions regarding this whole pregnancy and mom-to-be process. When I found out I was pregnant with Griffin, I was 17 years old. It was the day before Thanksgiving. I wasn in the bathroom at Friendly's with three of my closest friends. I cried and was a nervous wreck. I was lucky enough to have the love and support of my family, and of Ben's fmaily... but it was different. I couldn't share my excitement and happiness with the world, because I wasn't really excited or happy. I was a senior in high school, wanting to blend in and not be noticed. Fortunately, the pregnancy was extremely easy, and as the general FHS population found out about my "situation", it wasn't really a big deal.
One month after graduation, Griffin William Robbins was born. Happy and healthy and surrounded by the love of his family. I am thankful for the love and support of my family, of Ben's family. But it was hard. I brought a baby "home" to a place that wasn't MY home, and I was lonely and scared and I cried myself to sleep... when I wasn't up with my nursing-every-two-hours-around-the-clock little bundle of joy. We tried our hardest to be the family we thought we were supposed to be, but it didn't work. There was struggle and hardship and less-than-perfect realtionship woes (real ones). Eventualy we grew to understand that while we were parents of the same little boy, we weren't necessarily meant to be partners in life. So ended the most difficult chapter in my life, and I was only 22. With an almost-4-year-old. Back at HOME with my mom and dad. Scared again, this time of being alone for the rest of my life. With a little boy. And a failed marriage under my belt. And the baggage that comes with it.
I made this Layout over the weekend for the LSS round 4 challenge, even though I'm not technically in the running anymore. The challenge was "pissed off"... scrapbook something that makes you mad, angry, hurt, whatever.
This is a picture of Griff when he was about 2 years old. I don't know who took the picture. I just know that I wasn't there. At that time in my life I was working two jobs and going to school full time. He spent a lot of time with my parents... and although my mom had told me from the very beginning of my pregnancy with him that she "was not going to raise any more babies".. she really did. It hurts to look at pictures of him at this age because I don't remember so much of it. I really wan't there. My heart aches and I want to reach right into the picture and wrap my arms around his soft little boy parts and squish him and smell him and taste his wet kisses. It was so unfair to both of us. So hurtfully unfair.
I have to look on the bright side of the coin, though. Griffin and I have been so fortunate to have the unconditional love of my mom and dad... to have them welcome us back into their home when things got tough... to be my backbone when I felt like I didn't have one... to read stories and snuggle on the couch and help get ready for school. I am who I am today because of their strength and love.
... and Bob. I cannot put into words the love and unyeilding support he has given me. When I was at my darkest place in life, sared and "alone", he stepped in. He was a friend. We walked and talked for hours every night. He listened. He let me cry and hurt and be sad and angry. He didn't expect or ask for anything in return. He grew to love me for me, something I don't think I had ever really done myself.
And through all the learning and growing and laughter and tears, here we are. Our family.
We are a family by choice, not by chance. We are blessed to be welcoming a new member into our family. We can be happy, excited, nervous, afraid, confused, overjoyed, tired... and we can be all of these things together and share them with the world. Or keep them to ourselves.
All I know right now is that I am so at peace with the life we have made together. We might not live in a mansion on the hill, we might have our little bumps in the road, but WE ARE FAMILY. We are LOVED and we are TOGETHER. We TRUST. We SUPPORT. We are going through this as a FAMILY. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Re-reading this post before I publish it, I am laughing (through the tears) that it has gone from super-excited to sad to hurt to healing to at peace. I'm laughing because I have a body full of raging hormones that is causing me to cry at ASPCA commercials and "A Baby Story" (damn that TLC channel!!)...
It's going to be a heck of a ride over the next 8 months... so keep a box of tissues next to your computer screen.. you never know when I'm gonna make you laugh or cry (or both..).
xoxo
